Intuitive Wedding Doula

Many (or most) people, when starting the wedding planning process do not realize all that it entails. It is not simply planning a big party, it is the beginning of a huge shift in your personal identity. This shift will ripple through your relationships with your mother, father, siblings, and your dearest friends. As in the rest of life, this journey is just as important as the destination, so here are some things to consider as you dive into your wedding journey. This will be a multi-part series. 

Sometimes we don’t realize the things that influence our beliefs until we pause and reflect. Do you feel strongly about this decision because of your family’s expectations? Is it pressure from society to do it the “right” way? Unpacking the sources of your feelings will help you make decisions that are truly best for you and your partner.

2. Family Matters. Discuss with your partner how you want to involve your family and friends in the planning of the wedding. Do you want them involved a lot, somewhat, as little as possible? Discuss this with your partner before you start making a lot of important (and expensive) decisions.

3. The Journey is the Destination. When making decisions, remember that the planning process, as well as the wedding, is a meaningful journey leading to the merging of your two families together and the birth of your new family.

* This is a great role for a wedding doula. I can hold space for you to express your negative emotions and your family and friends never have to know;)

As someone who has planned my own wedding and been helping others with theirs for more than ten years, I see this question come up again and again. 

While I sincerely hope this is not everyone’s experience of engagement, I do know that the reality of committing to one person for the rest of your life can bring up a lot of different feelings. So, if you’re feeling something other than overflowing happiness, please know you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you! If you can find a person to talk out these feelings with, that is super helpful (I’m here for you if you need an understanding ear). If you’d rather not talk, try writing in a journal or recording an audio journal. 

When you get engaged, there are a lot of decisions to make. And this can be very stressful – especially because the decisions can involve a lot of money and important people in your life. 

Whether you process these emotions now or later, I encourage you to make time for them. As a wedding doula, I have many ways to create space for these emotions from sacred ceremonies, to our Wise Brides* group and individual coaching sessions. But that’s for another blog or check out my website for more information. 

Before you start following the typical wedding planning check list, take a moment with your partner to discuss a few basics. 

1. What is the purpose of your wedding? 

I know this may seem obvious – to get married, right? But if the purpose of a wedding was as simple as that, then everyone would elope. 

Weddings can be religious or sacred. They can be funny or silly. They can be musical and theatrical. They can be formal or casual. 

What do YOU want from a wedding? What aspects are most important to you? Is there anything you want to avoid? 

2. Size and Budget

Once you’ve discussed the purpose and vibe of your wedding, consider your size and budget. 

I’ve linked these two together because, well, the main costs of weddings are venue and food and both will need to be carefully selected based on the number of guests you want to have. 

Depending on your particular circumstances you might start with budget and then discuss the guest list or the other way around. Both of these topics can bring up emotions you might not expect. Take the time to be with their feelings (or your own) and explore where they are coming from. Are they based on values you want to keep? How do you choose to move forward, together? 



With fall finally arriving in Colorado, the leaves drift to the ground, the sky darkens earlier and the chill in the air makes us bundle up and stay cozy inside. While it is a beautiful and magical time of year, it also marks a shift from the outward, social, busy summer time to a quiet, dark, internal, contemplative time.

For many, it also is a time for grieving. Whether you have lost someone dear to you or have undergone one of the changes life inevitably brings to our lives – yes, engagement and marriage can bring up grief – now is a time to honor, explore and release those feelings.

In Chinese medicine, fall is the season correlated to the lungs.  This is fitting, since lungs also relate to grief – for this reason sobbing is actually really healing for the lungs. If crying is not happening naturally for you now, you can get energy moving through your lungs by practicing deep breathing and the “breath of fire.”

This coming weekend is Halloween or what I now think of as All Hallow’s Eve. After the passing of my father, in 2013, I have changed how I celebrate this time of year.

Instead of focusing on costumes, candy and parties, I turn inward and honor my ancestors as the history of halloween suggests we do. They say this time of year is when the “veils are thin” and communicating with the dead is more possible. I don’t know about the scientific evidence of that, but I do know that it feels good to have one time of year dedicated to honoring my loved ones who have passed on and this time of year feelings fitting.

I once read, regarding grief, “the only way out is through.” It was 6 months after my dad had past. We’d had the memorial and I had declared “I’m done grieving.” Ha! That was a silly expectation. Now I know that grief, in a way, never ends. It simply cycles. So this fall, perhaps even this Halloween weekend, give yourself space to enter your grief. Allow it to wash over you, through you, cleansing you. I promise you’ll feel clearer on the other side.

Below are a few ideas that may help you process your grief. What else helps you move emotions?

Make Art – Painting, Collage                                                         Create an Alter

Play/listen to Music                                                                        Keep a Candle Lit

Dance                                                                                             Write in your journal

Read/Write Poetry                                                                         Talk with a friend

Have a good cry                                                                             Have a good laugh

Go for a walk                                                                                  Cook a delicious meal

Reiki Massage

I didn’t know exactly why at the time – they knew and loved my boy friend of over 5 years, so that wasn’t it. I was just overcome with emotion – a mixture of excitement and the ones described below. 

I wasn’t sure how to honor all of them because society had ingrained in me that the only emotion I should be feeling was “overjoyed.” 

I offer these to you, so that you know that you are not alone. What you’re feeling is ok and natural. It is important to acknowledge all your feelings so you can be a more happier, more authentic you.

1.) Disappointment – your fairytale engagement moment may not have become reality 

After months or even years of imagining the proposal in your head, it’s possible what your fiancé planned does not match up.

(Many women consider taking it into their own hands, but many men like to stay with tradition and plan it themselves.) 

It’s ok to be disappointed, but remember, your fiancé did the best they could)

2.) Sadness – every door that opens closes another.

When you say yes to one person you are inherently saying no to everyone else. 

(It might surprise you, but there’s often some aspect of yourself, however small it might be, that had enjoyed entertaining other relationship ideas.)

3.) Fear – of your ability to be in a forever relationship, that you made the right choice, of how your family will react.

With each engagement there is the creation of a future family which brings with it many unknowns. Unknowns are scary as well as exciting, remember to breathe through and acknowledge your fears in writing, to your friends, family or partner, or a wedding doula.

4.) Overwhelm -as you think 3 steps ahead and of all the things you think you need to do now.

Your engagement has finally happened! Now all that energy you had been giving to the proposal is projected into the next phase. When and how will we tell your friends and family? Where and when will we have the wedding – because that’s the first question people are likely to ask. Who will you invite and how will you pay for it?

These are good questions and you will have time to explore each one in turn.

At this moment, take a Deep Breath.

Let it all the way out.

Let the tears fall.

As your wedding approaches, there are a lot of thoughts swirling in your mind. So many people to coordinate, details to plan, and yourself to take care of. It’s important to consider the following as you begin your wedding week.

1) It’s okay to take time for yourself.

Yes, there are tons of people who’ve traveled a long way to see you, but taking some time to be by yourself or alone with your partner is essential as the reality of all your planning begins to take form.

2) It’s not actually all about you.

While, yes, the day is a lot about you, people are also excited to see the other guests as well. This is helpful to keep in mind when you feel the need to sneak off for a quiet moment, but may feel guilty about leaving your guests.

3) Everything will not happen exactly as planned.

And that’s ok. Things will work out beautifully in their own way. Planning is essential to get you to this point, but it’s ok if plans have to change. Weather is probably the most common thing to change your plans. Remember to go with the flow, cuz there’s no way to change the weather!

4) Focus on the essentials.

Every person has a long list of all the little things they want to do… For their partner, the guests, their parents, the wedding party. While all of these are beautiful ideas, focus on the essential things you feel you need for that day. Gifts can be sent later and some things won’t hurt to be left out.

5) Delegate, delegate, delegate

You’ve been planning this event for months. You know exactly what’s supposed to happen and when. But who else knows these details? It’s time to get it all out of your head and on to paper! Share this paper with people who can help – friends, family, the caterer, your wedding doula or even hire a wedding day coordinator.

A lot of people may think that since they’ve been together for a long time, there’s not a lot changing with marriage. But while the day to day may not be that different, there is a marked internal shift… you are now a wife. Whether you choose to change your name (I’ll discuss this later) or not, you are now legally bonded to another person. Your “nuclear family” has suddenly and drastically shifted from being your mother and father and siblings to you and your partner.

You might get annoyed with your partner or be emotional about little things… Be gentle with yourself  as you process the months of planning, several emotional days and the reality of your identity shift. It may be helpful to share with your partner that you might be emotional and why.

If you didn’t cry before or during the wedding, you might need a good cry now.

It is also normal to have doubts and even feel a bit depressed during the first weeks, months, or even year after marriage. Most likely you’ll need some time to yourself to process. Remember that men often process emotions and changes like this differently. Be conscious of your own needs while honoring your partner’s feelings and process of transition as well.

Changing your name

There’s no rush. You may want to just get it over with or perhaps you’re still on the fence about how’d you like to go about it. If you’re anything like me, you have some reservations about giving up the identity that you’ve had for your entire life and the name that connects you to your father and all the relatives that have come before. Feel free to take your time and do it when the time feels right.

Missnowmrs.com is a great site that allows you to enter all your personal information and then it auto-fills a whole bunch of forms for you. It also includes a checklist of places you should remember to change and form letters to send to your health care providers, credit card banks, etc. It was really worth the $30 for me… for the time saving and the organizational help.

Just as a side note, I have found it useful to have kept my maiden name in my new name. I adopted it as a second middle name. When depositing checks written out to my maiden name or even boarding an airplane, people have allowed me to complete the transaction because my maiden name was on my official ID.

Do know that you must submit your name change paperwork within 2 years of your marriage for the marriage license to count as a “reason” for the name change. You can still do it afterwards, it just takes some extra work.