Month: May 2023

Unspoken Realities of Planning a Wedding

Many (or most) people, when starting the wedding planning process do not realize all that it entails. It is not simply planning a big party, it is the beginning of a huge shift in your personal identity. This shift will ripple through your relationships with your mother, father, siblings, and your dearest friends. As in the rest of life, this journey is just as important as the destination, so here are some things to consider as you dive into your wedding journey. This will be a multi-part series. 

the kiss

Part I – Decision Making. You’re going to be making a lot of decisions, and you’ll need to make nearly all of them together as a couple.

1. Money – Weddings are expensive, that’s just the simple truth and financial decisions are a big part of weddings.

I have never been a great decision maker, but wedding planning took it to another level because the decisions involved a lot of money and held so much importance and symbolism in my mind.

During the planning process it would be helpful to consider the following:

  • Which aspects are most important to you and your partner?
  • You can keep this broad (people, aesthetics, experience, religion) or be specific (honeymoon, photography, food).
  • Why are these aspects important to you?

Sometimes we don’t realize the things that influence our beliefs until we pause and reflect. Do you feel strongly about this decision because of your family’s expectations? Is it pressure from society to do it the “right” way? Unpacking the sources of your feelings will help you make decisions that are truly best for you and your partner.

2. Family Matters. Discuss with your partner how you want to involve your family and friends in the planning of the wedding. Do you want them involved a lot, somewhat, as little as possible? Discuss this with your partner before you start making a lot of important (and expensive) decisions.

I felt extremely blessed to have two families who were extremely supportive and helpful when we asked, but not super needy about how they wanted the wedding. I know this is not always the case, and it can be hard to set boundaries with family members who you love and respect. Remember to have compassion for your family’s needs. They are feeling new emotions and trying to process this huge change in their lives as well. It may be helpful to ask them why they feel strongly about certain decisions in the same way you ask yourself as described above.

Kendle and Dad

3. The Journey is the Destination. When making decisions, remember that the planning process, as well as the wedding, is a meaningful journey leading to the merging of your two families together and the birth of your new family.

Hartman - Hoffmans
  • As you decide what traditions you want to keep and how you want to make them happen, consider your end goal as it relates to the family you wish to create. I can help you with this by co-creating meaningful parties and ceremonies.
  • You may feel frustrated or overwhelmed trying to accommodate everyone’s needs, consider that you’re essentially cramming a whole lot of family lessons into just a few months. You could look at it as a learning opportunity (after you’ve vented to a friend or wedding doula* about how it’s making you feel).

* This is a great role for a wedding doula. I can hold space for you to express your negative emotions and your family and friends never have to know;)

I’m Engaged! Where do I start?

As someone who has planned my own wedding and been helping others with theirs for more than ten years, I see this question come up again and again. 

It always brings me back to the moments after I got engaged. I’d been waiting for my long time partner to propose for a long time and was excited to marry him. However, when I woke up the morning after our engagement, I could not stop crying*. I didn’t really understand why. I just was overcome by emotion. Instead of allowing myself to really look at where the emotion was coming from, I dove into logistical planning – right away. No time to enjoy a romantic vacation with my fiancé. I was immediately checking things off my to do list. 

While I sincerely hope this is not everyone’s experience of engagement, I do know that the reality of committing to one person for the rest of your life can bring up a lot of different feelings. So, if you’re feeling something other than overflowing happiness, please know you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you! If you can find a person to talk out these feelings with, that is super helpful (I’m here for you if you need an understanding ear). If you’d rather not talk, try writing in a journal or recording an audio journal. 

When you get engaged, there are a lot of decisions to make. And this can be very stressful – especially because the decisions can involve a lot of money and important people in your life. 

Whether you process these emotions now or later, I encourage you to make time for them. As a wedding doula, I have many ways to create space for these emotions from sacred ceremonies, to our Wise Brides* group and individual coaching sessions. But that’s for another blog or check out my website for more information. 

Before you start following the typical wedding planning check list, take a moment with your partner to discuss a few basics. 

  1. What is the purpose of your wedding? 

I know this may seem obvious – to get married, right? But if the purpose of a wedding was as simple as that, then everyone would elope. 

Weddings can be religious or sacred. They can be funny or silly. They can be musical and theatrical. They can be formal or casual. 

What do YOU want from a wedding? What aspects are most important to you? Is there anything you want to avoid? 

  1. Size and Budget

Once you’ve discussed the purpose and vibe of your wedding, consider your size and budget. 

I’ve linked these two together because, well, the main costs of weddings are venue and food and both will need to be carefully selected based on the number of guests you want to have. 

Depending on your particular circumstances you might start with budget and then discuss the guest list or the other way around. Both of these topics can bring up emotions you might not expect. Take the time to be with their feelings (or your own) and explore where they are coming from. Are they based on values you want to keep? How do you choose to move forward, together? 

There’s plenty more to discuss on the road to marriage., but I believe this is a very good place to start. When you’re ready, discuss a date and a venue. Remember, there’s no “right” way to be married and nothing you have to do. You and your partner will decide how you want to conduct and celebrate your union and the birth of your new family!



A season for Grieving

Wendy Poem

With fall finally arriving in Colorado, the leaves drift to the ground, the sky darkens earlier and the chill in the air makes us bundle up and stay cozy inside. While it is a beautiful and magical time of year, it also marks a shift from the outward, social, busy summer time to a quiet, dark, internal, contemplative time.

For many, it also is a time for grieving. Whether you have lost someone dear to you or have undergone one of the changes life inevitably brings to our lives – yes, engagement and marriage can bring up grief – now is a time to honor, explore and release those feelings.

In Chinese medicine, fall is the season correlated to the lungs.  This is fitting, since lungs also relate to grief – for this reason sobbing is actually really healing for the lungs. If crying is not happening naturally for you now, you can get energy moving through your lungs by practicing deep breathing and the “breath of fire.”

This coming weekend is Halloween or what I now think of as All Hallow’s Eve. After the passing of my father, in 2013, I have changed how I celebrate this time of year.

Instead of focusing on costumes, candy and parties, I turn inward and honor my ancestors as the history of halloween suggests we do. They say this time of year is when the “veils are thin” and communicating with the dead is more possible. I don’t know about the scientific evidence of that, but I do know that it feels good to have one time of year dedicated to honoring my loved ones who have passed on and this time of year feelings fitting.

Dad Alter 2014
An alter I made to honor my father in years past.

I once read, regarding grief, “the only way out is through.” It was 6 months after my dad had past. We’d had the memorial and I had declared “I’m done grieving.” Ha! That was a silly expectation. Now I know that grief, in a way, never ends. It simply cycles. So this fall, perhaps even this Halloween weekend, give yourself space to enter your grief. Allow it to wash over you, through you, cleansing you. I promise you’ll feel clearer on the other side.

Below are a few ideas that may help you process your grief. What else helps you move emotions?

Make Art – Painting, Collage                                                         Create an Alter

Play/listen to Music                                                                        Keep a Candle Lit

Dance                                                                                             Write in your journal

Read/Write Poetry                                                                         Talk with a friend

Have a good cry                                                                             Have a good laugh

Go for a walk                                                                                  Cook a delicious meal

Reiki Massage