The maid of honor enters the room and looks me in the eye,
“I think we have a wedding doula situation here. The Bride is pissed that the groom’s mom is late and is holding up the wedding.”
I hustle to the next room where the bride is waiting with her bridal party.
“I hear we’ve been gifted some extra time,” I say calmly, placing my hand on her back and taking a deep breath. “Let’s use it to get grounded. We’ll start with some breathing.”
The whole bridal party takes some deep breaths, I send some reiki energy to the bride and give her a gentle massage.
“Let’s set some intentions for today. Would each of you like to share what you wish for the bride on this day?”
The bridal party shares one by one, no hesitation between each.
Lastly, I ask the bride to share her intentions.
Just as we finish, the wedding planner peaks in the door and says we’re ready to go!
Now, instead of remembering the moment before walking down the isle full of anger at her mother-in-law, the bride has a special memory with her closest friends showering her with their love.
Wedding Planners and Doula are both amazing and helpful in their own ways. I like to pull from the childbirth world to help explain the difference. A birth doula is a person dedicated to supporting the pregnant couple before, during and after labor and delivery. The birth doula is there with you, able to provide ideas of how to plan, and also how to cope with the uncertainties, the pain, the unmet expectations as well as celebrate the joys and successes. During the labor and delivery, they rarely leave your side. They help to advocate for what you need and protect your inner peace. During my first birth, my doula diffused essential oils, helped massage my back and suggested positions to labor in.
The doctor (or midwife) is responsible for a safe and successful birth. Their focus is on the metrics, numbers, reducing risk of complications and infection. They engage the right people to get your needs met, but don’t have time to talk to you too long about your feelings. During my first birth, I barely saw my midwives because they were busy handling several patients’ needs at the same time.
As you may be able to tell in this analogy, the birth doula is the wedding doula and the doctor or midwife is the wedding planner. They actually work best together! With one managing the hospital logistics, while the other focuses on the emotional and physical well-being of the people involved.
I feel it necessary to say that these are generalities and no two planners or doulas are the same (nor midwifes, doulas or doctors!). Sometimes you find wedding vendors, including planners, filling the “wedding doula” role as well as they can with the time and resources they have. This is wonderful! But can be hard on the vendors. Perhaps this is why every wedding vendor that I’ve told about Intuitive Wedding Doula has said to me “that is so needed!”
So whether you choose to hire me or a planner, neither or both, remember to make space for your own inner journey. Acknowledge and honor what you are losing, what you are gaining, and all the feelings that come with that. I know you’ll do great. You’re reading this after all, which means you care and are curious. Two essential ingredients to growth and love.
Butterfly reminds you to explore and acknowledge where you are in your personal journey of transformation. We are all constantly transforming. We find ourselves in every stage of transformation throughout our lives and can even be in all of them simultaneously. This is especially true when approaching a big life transition such as marriage, childbirth, graduation or retirement.
Butterfly begins as a caterpillar:
Explore, consider, and consume experiences and information that allow you to grow and have the nourishment to undergo the transformation ahead. In a wedding context, this is when you collect ideas, do the planning, and begin to visualize your wedding experience.
Some questions to consider:
What does marriage mean to you?
What is the purpose of a wedding for you and your partner?
What are the most important elements/values you want to come through at your wedding?
Next, Butterfly weaves a Chrysalis:
This is a time for reflection and inner transformation. In her Chrysalis, butterfly is separated from the outside world and uses all the energy and information she has stored to transform its old form into a new majestic identity. This step is quiet and personal. Perhaps that is why it is so rarely talked about in our society. However, this is where the metamorphosis (and magic) happens. Depending on how you process emotions and transitions, this step may require some space from other people (including your partner) or perhaps some one-on-one time with a good girl friend. Whatever emotions surface for you, they are the ‘right’ thing to consider. It’s ok to have doubts, feel grief, anger or sadness. In your chrysalis, it is safe to explore all of these feelings.
Tools for Reflecting:
Be in Nature
Write in a Journal
Draw
Walk
Sing
Speak with a friend who can listen without judgement*
*If you find it difficult to explore these feelings, I am here and willing to listen. Please contact me to set up a time.
Finally, the Butterfly emerges:
Time to show off your wings! Your new identity is ready to share with the world.
Butterfly sits to dry her wings for several hours after emerging from the cocoon. As you step into your new identity, be patient. Give yourself time to try out the new labels: husband and wife. If taking your partner’s last name, you may cycle through these stages again, as you let go of your former identity and take on your new one. Check out this blog, “So, I’m Married… Now What?” with resources for after the wedding.
We repeat these steps over and over throughout our lives. We can be in all 3 stages at the same time and can move between them in no set order. I have noticed women become concerned when they visit the chrysalis stage, but this is a normal and necessary part of any inner transformation. Have compassion for your own process and create the time and space to allow your butterfly to emerge. Before you know it, you’ll be floating and soaring on your beautiful new wings.
