The maid of honor enters the room and looks me in the eye,
“I think we have a wedding doula situation here. The Bride is pissed that the groom’s mom is late and is holding up the wedding.”
I hustle to the next room where the bride is waiting with her bridal party.
“I hear we’ve been gifted some extra time,” I say calmly, placing my hand on her back and taking a deep breath. “Let’s use it to get grounded. We’ll start with some breathing.”
The whole bridal party takes some deep breaths, I send some reiki energy to the bride and give her a gentle massage.
“Let’s set some intentions for today. Would each of you like to share what you wish for the bride on this day?”
The bridal party shares one by one, no hesitation between each.
Lastly, I ask the bride to share her intentions.
Just as we finish, the wedding planner peaks in the door and says we’re ready to go!
Now, instead of remembering the moment before walking down the isle full of anger at her mother-in-law, the bride has a special memory with her closest friends showering her with their love.
Butterfly reminds you to explore and acknowledge where you are in your personal journey of transformation. We are all constantly transforming. We find ourselves in every stage of transformation throughout our lives and can even be in all of them simultaneously. This is especially true when approaching a big life transition such as marriage, childbirth, graduation or retirement.
Butterfly begins as a caterpillar:
Explore, consider, and consume experiences and information that allow you to grow and have the nourishment to undergo the transformation ahead. In a wedding context, this is when you collect ideas, do the planning, and begin to visualize your wedding experience.
Some questions to consider:
What does marriage mean to you?
What is the purpose of a wedding for you and your partner?
What are the most important elements/values you want to come through at your wedding?
Next, Butterfly weaves a Chrysalis:
This is a time for reflection and inner transformation. In her Chrysalis, butterfly is separated from the outside world and uses all the energy and information she has stored to transform its old form into a new majestic identity. This step is quiet and personal. Perhaps that is why it is so rarely talked about in our society. However, this is where the metamorphosis (and magic) happens. Depending on how you process emotions and transitions, this step may require some space from other people (including your partner) or perhaps some one-on-one time with a good girl friend. Whatever emotions surface for you, they are the ‘right’ thing to consider. It’s ok to have doubts, feel grief, anger or sadness. In your chrysalis, it is safe to explore all of these feelings.
Tools for Reflecting:
Be in Nature
Write in a Journal
Draw
Walk
Sing
Speak with a friend who can listen without judgement*
*If you find it difficult to explore these feelings, I am here and willing to listen. Please contact me to set up a time.
Finally, the Butterfly emerges:
Time to show off your wings! Your new identity is ready to share with the world.
Butterfly sits to dry her wings for several hours after emerging from the cocoon. As you step into your new identity, be patient. Give yourself time to try out the new labels: husband and wife. If taking your partner’s last name, you may cycle through these stages again, as you let go of your former identity and take on your new one. Check out this blog, “So, I’m Married… Now What?” with resources for after the wedding.
We repeat these steps over and over throughout our lives. We can be in all 3 stages at the same time and can move between them in no set order. I have noticed women become concerned when they visit the chrysalis stage, but this is a normal and necessary part of any inner transformation. Have compassion for your own process and create the time and space to allow your butterfly to emerge. Before you know it, you’ll be floating and soaring on your beautiful new wings.
I first heard these vows at a friend’s wedding and immediately thought “Wow, those are perfect. I need to ask her where she found those.”
It turns out they stem from the Jewish tradition, but I find them universal in their tone and intention.
I always encourage couples to put their own touch to vows whether or not they choose to write their own. The vows below, I believe, are an excellent starting place for any creativity you wish to add.
Here they are…
(You) and (Your Partner) affirm their union of marriage and make these promises to each other:
As we share daily life, we promise to love, honor, respect, and cherish each other;
to celebrate life’s joys together and comfort each other through life’s sorrows.
We promise to help each other discover and follow our own true path in life;
to try to appreciate our differences as a source of richness;
and above all, to do everything within our powerto permit each of us to become the persons we are yet to be.
We promise to appreciate our ancestors, families, and all living beings;
to treasure, enjoy and continue the traditions we have inherited;
to create a home filled with love and peace, balance and freedom,generosity and compassion, with healing tears and laughter.
May our hearts be united in love and our lives be intertwinedforever in tenderness and devotion and may we find a home everywhere on earth where we are together.
My story begins back when I was 14 years old. I found myself seated on a firm, round cushion in a sunny room at the Boulder Shambhala Center. A couple of friends of mine had invited me to join them for a Warriorship training and I gladly excepted. I sat as straight as I could, inhaling through my nose and focusing on my breath. The teacher had told us that when thoughts arose we should simply label it “thinking” and return our focus to our breath. I sat, squirming a bit on the cushion, and followed the instructor’s advice. I found, however, that some of thoughts that arose needed my attention. So instead of cutting them off midstream, so to speak, I’d follow them to the end … and then return to my breath. It is when are minds have our full attention that beautiful and meaningful realizations can surface. So, I relaxed the rules of meditation I was learning to allow myself space to explore and follow my inner wisdom. This same principle can be applied to wedding planning. There are so many people, blogs, websites, and magazines telling you the “must do’s”, “never forget’s”, “how to’s”, and “best ways.” The mess of outer voices can really fog our own inner knowing. For most of us, wedding planning is an addition to our already packed daily lives. If you hire a wedding planner it can take some of the stress off your plate, but you still have to make decisions (often expensive ones), manage the expectations of family and friends, and nourish your relationship with your partner through an extraordinary period of personal growth that comes with this life transition. It’s likely you won’t be grounded and present through the entire planning process, but my hope is that you will find some of these suggestions useful tools for creating islands of bliss in the midst of the wedding ‘river’. Dance with your partner – I loved practicing ballroom dancing with my fiancé for several reasons. First, it prepared us for our first dance, which helped to do mind think I was checking something off the list. Also, and more importantly I think, it was time we spent together fully present in the moment, communicating verbally and non-verbally, deepening our connectedness. Take a walk – whether together or alone, walking outside in the natural world reminds us of the expansiveness of our lives, connects us to nature’s rhythms and gives us some exercise (a natural stress reducer). I particularly like to walk with my partner when we have something to discuss or an important decision to make. When we talk about it on a walk, it feels so different then when we’re sitting face to face. I’m not entirely sure why, people have studied it, but I think it has to do with the fact that we are physically moving in the same direction as we discuss important decisions or personal reflections. Visualization – visualizing something connects the same pathways in our brains as when you actually experience it. Really, they’ve tested it too! Visualizing helps us mentally and emotionally prepare for the future and unknown events. It also requires us to slow down, breathe deep and be present with our inner space. This was one of the most effective tools I used during the planning process.
Quick story: Frank and I had been engaged for about 9 months and had chosen a venue and sent out Save the Dates. We’d given ourselves a year and a half to plan the wedding since we were both teachers and knew that it’d be hard to do much planning during the school year. So, it completely caught us by surprise when 1 week before the start of school our venue had to cancel. You can imagine my shock and disappointment. After 9 months of planning we were essentially back to square one. I could have cried and freaked out, and probably did, but then I sat down, calmed my mind and asked my partner to join me in visualizing where we would be on our wedding day. To my surprise, we both had the same vision – we were surrounded by trees. So when we had a site visit with a potential venue and we walked into the amphitheater in a forest of pine trees, we knew we’d found our place!
Talk to someone who’s not connected to the wedding – this could be a wedding doula like me (shameless plug) or simply a trusted friend who is not a bridesmaid, groomsmen, officiant, or otherwise involved. This person can act as a sounding board for what you’re thinking through, ask clarifying questions and offer advice from a totally neutral place. If you don’t have someone like this yet, I invite you to join our Wedding Discussion Group on Facebook (it says Colorado, but where you are is not important). If you found this information at all interesting or helpful, please “like” my Intuitive Wedding Doula FB page and share this with other women in the wedding process – before, during or after the wedding- because, let’s face it, these tools can help us at any point in our lives.
Wedding dress shopping has become a national pass time with the shows “Say Yes to the Dress” and the like. While dress shopping can be fun, it can also be overwhelming and bring up other emotions… just like the rest of the marriage process. Below you’ll find some advice from me to you to help prepare you for some of the things you might not expect from the experience.
1. Bring people with you who will listen to what you want.
When I went dress shopping I took my two maids of honor who have known me since elementary school. I love them dearly and they were excellent support to have there, experiencing the excitement and transformation that happens when you put on a wedding dress. However, their style and preferences were very different from mine. I did not pick the dresses they liked best, and they were wonderful at honoring my thought process and supporting me in my decision. Listen to other’s advice, but stay true to what you want.
2. It’s ok to be emotional.
Dress shopping may not seem like something that would bring up emotions. I mean, I’ve never cried at a store trying to decide what to buy. Wedding dress shopping, however, is a whole different beast. It’s difficult to explain, but something happens when you’re standing there in a white dress thinking about your wedding day. Both my friends teared up, just seeing me in a dress. I remained relatively calm and collected while trying things on (I think I was a little bit in shock). It was after we left the store that I got emotional. I cried in the mall and spoke with my mom on the phone. Allow yourself to do what your intuition is telling you. For me, it was important to have my mom’s support, even though I didn’t realize it until after the experience.
3. There are no rules you have to follow.
When planning a wedding, it seems as though there are a lot of things you’re “supposed” to do: the dress must be white, invitations must be sent x-months before the wedding, the groom must be in a Tux. And while you might choose to have some of these traditions as part of your wedding, they are by no means required. Just look around the world at all the wedding traditions. In Asia, brides wear red! So, trust your gut and make the decision that’s best for you. I ended up spending more than I ever expected to on my dress. Other women I know, bought a white bridesmaids dress and were perfectly happy.
4. Keep an open mind.
Before I went dress shopping I’d looked through lots of magazines and tried to imagine what I might want. I’d looked at thrift stores and online at vintage dresses. There were a few things that I decided on about the dress that I did stick to, but lots of other ideas went right out the window as soon as I tried a few on. As always, dresses look very different on the hanger than on a person. So try on some that you would not expect to like and be prepared to not like some that you thought you would.
5. It’s a big decision, if you’re not sure, take some time to think about it.
When I went dress shopping I thought I was just “going to take a look.” I had no intention of buying anything that day. But I found a dress that I loved and it was on sale. I felt pressured to buy it right then. Thanks to the advice of my friends, we put it on hold and went for a walk, letting the experience of that morning sink in. Although I did decide to go back and purchase the dress, I was glad I’d taken the time look around and speak with my mom before doing so. Lots of places have a “no returns” policy, which makes the decision sorta scary. What helped me was remembering I could always sell it on craigslist or on consignment if it just didn’t end up working out.
6. Choose something that you feel beautiful and comfortable in.
Unless you plan to change after the ceremony, you’ll be sitting, eating, and dancing in this dress. You will also, most likely, be laughing and crying in it. Make sure that you have room to breath (this is especially important if/when you get alterations). Going to the bathroom can also be tricky, especially with tight mermaid dresses or giant trains. There are plenty on tricks for helping with that little logistic though, so be sure, in the end, to go with what makes you feel gorgeous and happy!
Written and Edited by Kate Hoffman, Sept 7th 2015, updated May 2023
